I Shouldn't Be Here
by WinterWinds16
Summary: It's the day before they invade, and Katniss reflects on herself and her relationship with Peeta. What is happening now, and what will happen in the future?


I shouldn't be here.

Then again, I could say that in relation to my entire life, right now. I shouldn't be about to go to war, about to leave my sister and mother alone again, uncertain of my return. I should be at home, which shouldn't be deserted, the new District 13, I should be hunting with Gale, I shouldn't be a miserable wreck after The Hunger Games. I shouldn't be watching my best friend, lover, pretend fiance and pretend father of my child sleep because when he's awake he wants my blood.

I. Should. Not. Be. Here.

I stare at him, curled into the fetal position at the other end of the room, he's ignored the bed by the other wall and has taken to the floor. He's whimpering in his sleep, his hair flopped over his eyes and his expression torn and scared. I want to brush the hair from his eyes, stroke his cheek and hush away his fears, but that would only result in his killing me and, as I am supposed to be tucked up in bed, I don't believe my rescuers would be here in time.

Not to mention, once they'd rescued me, they'd kill me themselves, for having stolen on of the higherups security key entered Peeta's locked compartment without permission or supervision.

I couldn't not see him thought. He'd been brought in weeks ago and his hands had locked tightly around my neck. No one had expected it, no one had seen it coming, which meant that Peeta had carried on strangling me for a good few moments before anyone stopped him. No one expected Peeta to be so violent and aggressive, a strange assumption to make about anyone who has been a piece in the Hunger Games.

But Peeta isn't a piece. He is the boy with the bread, forced into killing people near his own age and still coming out as kind and thoughtful as ever. Not like me. When I look in the mirror all I see are the faces of those I murdered or failed to save. The guilt tears me apart most nights, when the dreams invade and the pain cuts through me.

Tomorrow we set out for Capitol; the invasion. Myself as the Mockingjay, and everyone else my team. We set out for out death.

That is why, instead of sleeping like I should be for a mission I need to be wide awake for, I sit infront of Peeta. I have neglected him, ignored him, cast him off. Another person I couldn't save, but this person I hadn't even tried very hard to. Is that the person I am becoming? This cold blooded, heartless person who can't even save the person I love?

Yes, I do love Peeta. I love Gale too. But Peeta and I...we've been through two Hunger Games together, we've protected eachother at any cost and helped the other up when they have fallen. Of course, Gale would have been the same within the arena, but the truth is, he wasn't in the arena. Peeta was. Peeta had saved me so many times, held me together, kissed me until I felt better. Yes, I'd been through the death of my father with Gale who has been through the death of his own. We'd been together, looking after our families, caring for them and hunting and sharing our winnings. But Peeta had watched death with me, and made it out with me in the end. He'd been willing to die for me to succeed at that moment, he'd been willing to give everything he had up for me, a person who didn't even deserve it.

His eyes flicker in his sleep and he appears restless. He could wake up at any moment and tear me apart, and the truth is...I don't care. I deserve it. I deserve it for not helping him or being there for him when he needed me most. I deserve it for all the pain I have caused, for all the false steps and the lies that I have told. I don't care if he wakes up and kills me, I have lost my will to fight.

But there I go again, being selfish. If Peeta did, by some miracle, recover, and discovered he'd killed me? His gentle soul would be unable to take it. He'd be a lost cause to everyone, he'd hate himself. Am I even willing to let him hate himself over me? The answer is yes, because I still wouldn't care if he killed me. It'd get me out of this mess.

His lips move silently, until I hear a slight noise leave his mouth. I edge closer, careful not to disturb him, when I hear one word. For the first time in a long time, it isn't said with venom or anger or hatred, but...love. It's said gently, like his words are hanging on an angels wing. Its said with care and devotion and adoration.

"_Katniss_," He murmers, his face looking less restless and a small smile appears on his angelic face. He looks at peace for a moment before his dream obviously changes and he looks scared again.

I feel tears sting my eyes, and get to my feet. I slide the cardkey into the lock and leave, my heat thumping. It isn't fair. It isn't fair that he loves me in his dreams and despises me in real life. I'm selfish, and it isn't fair.

I shouldn't be here.


End file.
